Soul(mate) Searching

This week’s episode picks up where we left off last week in Bali. Kourtney and Mason are at the beach and he’s pushing his mom on the swings. Kourtney is trying to learn and grow from her time in Bali and asks Mason what she can do to be a better mom. “Spend less time on Instagram” is his reply. Ouch. Out of the mouths of babes. Kourtney realises she needs to be more present.

At dinner that night, Khloe talks about how people are always telling her they believe she has the sight and that she could be a psychic. Kim and Khloe are really into spirituality and are excited to be in a place like Bali where the subject is not taboo.

The next morning, Kourtney is taking pictures of a palm tree. I thought she was supposed to be spending less time on her phone. How’s that working out for you Kourtney? She and Khloe go on a bike ride with their translator and he explains about Balinese communal living and how life there is based on three pillars: Your relationship to God, yourself, and to nature. Kourtney feels she definitely needs to spend time on these issues. Personally, I think her time would be better spent learning to ride a bike properly (think 5-year-old with the stabilisers just taken off) but that’s just me.

That evening, Khloe and Kim have a reading with what they believe is a world renowned medium. However, Mas Joko is more of a healer and he proceeds to “suck” bad energy out of Khloe’s knee with a straw. He tells Kim she needs to cut off some of her hair to release bad energy. The fear in her eyes is visible, even though it’s only her extensions at risk of being shorn. You can see the dollar signs fading in her eyes as she weighs up whether to give this knee sucker any of her hair. She eventually cuts off the smallest few strands and throws them into the ocean as instructed by Mas Joko. Both Kim and Khloe are disappointed with their first Balinese healing encounter. It’s not what either of them were expecting.

Scott and Kourtney go to meet the same healer and he tells them that they’re soulmates. Apparently, they met in a previous life and had a relationship that ended tragically, but their souls keep coming back together. Kourtney’s body language is super awkward, legs drawn up close to her chest, very defensive. Scott seems more open to the idea. The pair are given a blessing, in the form of two eggs, to neutralise the bad energy from their past. Kourtney boils and eats her egg. Not sure that’s what you were supposed to do but hey, it’s your juju to deal with.

The next day Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe are discussing their respective readings. Kim and Khloe are gagged to find out that the healer dropped so much juicy psychic gossip with Scott and Kourtney, and all they got was a sucked knee and a bald patch. Kourtney says she’s happy in her relationship with Scott as it stands. She’s not sure about the whole soulmate thing though.

Kim and Khloe meet another (supposed) medium. There then follows the most bizarre few minutes of TV I think I’ve ever seen. The healer proceeds to burp (yes burp) in each of their faces. But not one burp, it’s a continuous stream of burping. Apparently, the burps clean your aura. Yeah, about that. My aura is clean enough mister. I don’t need your stomach gases breathed in my face ta ever so. After this strange encounter, the girls realise something is probably being lost in translation, and that they need to be more precise in what they’re asking for. They need a medium, not a healer.

The next day, Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe go to a temple to connect with God. It’s all part of Kourtney’s plan to follow the three pillars of life in Bali. After connecting with God it’s time for nature. Kourtney gets involved in a mud wrestling ceremony (performed in a muddy, watery pit) with some locals. They put some kind of a giant (live) chicken on her head (which according to Khloe shits all over her hair) and off she goes. She seems very happy rolling around in the mud. Hell, even “don’t mess up my hair and make-up” Kim joins in, although you can tell she is so not into it. You know when you’re swimming and don’t want to get your hair wet, so you doggy paddle with your head out of the water? It’s that but she is REALLY not trying to get any mud in her tresses. Heaven forbid!

Back at the house, Khloe and Kim discuss how much they love having Scott in Bali, and how much of a great dad he’s become. In a cutaway, Kim tells us that she’s happy Scott and Kourtney are doing well but she’s not sure if she believes they’re soulmates.

Scott and Khloe sit by the pool and watch the beautiful sunset. They both drink water from plastic bottles (every time! Stop it!). Khloe compliments Scott on his co-parenting with Kourtney. Khloe says that if she was Sofia (Richie. Scott’s girlfriend) she would freak out at him going away with his ex. Scott explains that Sofia is very mature, and she never wants to come between him and his kids. He feels that he owes Kourtney for his behaviour in the past. He also says he’s not sure how he feels about what came up during their reading with the whole soulmates thing.

The next day Scott and Kourtney go for a walk. They talk about how great the trip has been, especially after the family vacation to Costa Rica where Scott behaved so appallingly. They discuss their session with the healer as Kourtney holds her coconut in what looks like a really awkward uncomfortable position for her wrist, but it’s a look, I guess. It goes with her Neo from The Matrix sunglasses. The pair aren’t sure if they believe they really met in a past life, but they agree that their co-parenting is working out well, and that they’re entering a new more transparent phase in their relationship. Kourtney says she hasn’t been practising her “exercises” and proceeds to show them to Scott. I think she’s meant to be doing Tai-Chi, but I’m sure if I showed her moves to my Chinese friends, they’d be horrified. Later that day the whole flock of Kardashians (is that the collective noun for them? Maybe a Khalasar of Kardashians? Let’s stick with flock for now. Watch this space) go to hand out books to the kids in the village. Kourtney feels cleansed and zen after the trip. We’ll see how long that lasts back in LA with the Gram calling. God I’m cynical but prove me wrong then Kourtney.

Before they leave Bali, Kim and Khloe finally get a successful psychic reading from a blind palm reader. I know, how can a blind person read palms? But this lady is scarily accurate. She knows about her paternal grandmother’s ring that Kris gave to Kim just before coming to Bali. She knows Khloe has had problems with cheaters in the past and that this has badly affected her self-confidence. This broad is very much on point! The medium then tells Kim that her upcoming baby (how could she even have known about that?? So spooky) will be a reincarnation of her dad, Robert. Khloe and Kim call Kris straight after to tell her the news, and they then go to tell Kourtney what’s happened. Khloe is freaked out and admits that she’s been suppressing her emotions around Tristan for a while. She doesn’t know what to do about the whole sitch and wonders if she’ll ever fully regain trust in her man. Ooh girl if only you knew what’s about to come your way (awkward clenched teeth emoji).

The Khalasar has dinner all together for their last night. Mason is channelling an 85-year-old Armenian man with his outfit. Everybody has loved Bali and they talk about how spiritual it is there, and how calming and peaceful the place is. They would definitely visit again.

Back in LA, Kylie, Kendall, Khloe, Kourtney, and Kim dress up for the Halloween Victoria’s Secret photo shoot they’ve been planning. Granted, they all look amazing, but it’s super OTT, self-indulgent, and garish for my taste. Sorry not sorry.

Chicago Loyalty

This week was possibly one of the most yawn inducing episodes of KUWTK I think I’ve ever seen Really guys, do better. The show’s supposed to be entertaining, I just wanted to take a nap.

We start at home with Khloe, Scott, and True, who is possibly the cutest baby ever. She’s in a little pink tutu and gurgles and smiles at Scott playing the fool for her. Truth be told, she actually looks a bit bemused. I would too, Scott’s annoying.

Kourtney takes her kids to lunch. Since Bali she’s made an effort to spend more time with them and be more present. Mason orders food like a grown man, it’s scary how fast he’s growing up. Kourtney too can’t believe how fast her son is maturing.

This is where the boring staged fuckery begins. Scott just happens to have bought Khloe an easel (remember how they conned Kris last season about Khloe being an artist? Me neither). He wants her to be the new sexy artist on the block. He makes several references to her big butt. I’ve always found Scott creepy, weird, and annoying, since his boy band hair days, and unlike a fine wine, he’s not getting better with age. Why are you talking about your children’s aunt’s big butt? Khloe takes her top off and paints in an apron with her boobs spilling out. Gratuitous much? Thank God for Apple, because the only comic relief in this scene comes when Scott and Khloe try to FaceTime Kris, and speak to Jennifer Lawrence, who is hanging out with her drinking red wine. She has white lady red wine lips. JLaw tells them: “We wouldn’t be having this much fun if you guys were here.” Amen to that. Kourtney comes over clutching the staple Kardashian food group; a giant bowl of mouth-wateringly delicious salad. Khloe paints a “portrait” of her sister. Let’s just say I don’t think Damien Hirst has anything to worry about. Scott wants to take Khloe’s artistic efforts to be appraised.

Kim is at home reading letters from prisoners hoping to be released. Kris comes over and they discuss the process. Kim says she reads the letters, then if she believes the inmates really have a shot at clemency, she forwards their case to her attorneys. Helping Alice Johnson to be released last year has spurred Kim on and now she wants to follow a career in law. The whole process of obtaining clemency can take 7-10 years apparently. The US justice system is fucked y’all. Kris is obviously super proud of Kim.

Scott goes to an art gallery to get Khloe’s work appraised. Again, he’s making creepy comments about Khloe’s appearance. The art broker is rightly puzzled at this fool in front of him trying to pass off what look like a child’s finger paintings as high art. Scott is told the work is worth even less than the cost of the materials. He’s horrified and believes the art to be worth hundreds of thousands. It’s so painfully embarrassing to watch these blatantly set up scenes. Next.

Kim is going for dinner with a family friend, Allison Statter. They discuss Kim’s burgeoning law career. Kim feels overwhelmed but is loving spending so much time around smart, super motivated people. Kim has been speaking to Jessica Jackson, an attorney, and she has told her that in California, there’s a way to become a lawyer without going to law school via an apprenticeship. Jessica has offered to mentor her, and Kim’s goal is to pass the bar, and then become a fully-fledged lawyer.

Kourtney is at home with Khloe discussing Halloween. Kourtney has been offered two GQ covers, Mexico and Latin America. However, it would mean her missing Halloween and attending the GQ man of the year party in Mexico City. Kourtney’s worried about missing Halloween with the kids because Mason’s growing up fast and it might be one of the last times he wants to spend the holiday with his mom.

In the playroom at Kourtney’s place, Mason is playing his drum set loudly. I’m currently in a war with my upstairs neighbour over his loud, arrhythmic drumming at all hours of the day, so this triggered my PTSD. Kids with drums are a hard pass. Kourtney’s talking about the Watts Empowerment Center, and how the family helped save it from closure. The kids are going to clean out their playroom and donate their unwanted toys to the kids at the center. Cute.

Khloe and Scott go for food and to discuss the art appraisal. Honestly, I was looking at Insta during this section, literally nothing happened. Scott tells Khloe the broker didn’t think much of her art; she is suitably outraged and makes a glib statement about art being subjective and not everybody liking Van Gogh. Tell that to the 2.25 million people who visited the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam last year KoKo (yeah that’s right, I do research).

Kim is flying to San Francisco to study with Jessica the attorney. They have to study together five hours a week. Jessica gives Kim a ton of weighty law books and it begins to get real for Kim. Over the next four years, this is pretty much going to be her life. It’s a massive commitment to take on with her schedule already so full and another baby on the way.

At the Watts Center Kourtney, the kids, and Corey donate a TON of toys to needy children. It’s a nice gesture. Afterwards they all go to eat, and Corey asks the kids what they learned from the experience. It annoyed me here that Kourtney focuses so much on how good the experience made Mason feel rather than how happy it made the kids receiving the gifts. Regardless, it was a nice gesture.

Kim’s at home with Kanye discussing all the stuff she currently has on her plate. Kanye tells her there’s no reason she can’t get in control of her schedule and crush becoming a lawyer. Kim is really grateful to have his full support.

Scott is driving, talking to Kris about this stupid appraisal. Kris says art is totally subjective and that if the demand is there, people will pay anything. Riveting.

Kim is back in San Francisco. This time she’s taken North and Kanye with her. She hates contract law but loves criminal law. She’s super inspired by the two motivated, intelligent women guiding her through this process.

Khloe is at home with Scott and Kris. She finds out that Scott is trying to sell one of her earlier paintings on Twitter, she’s pissed. Scott starts to get serious offers and Kris starts salivating thinking of the potential revenue.

Kourtney is at her shoot with GQ (she decided to do it after they let her off going to the Mexico City awards ceremony). She had a great time at Halloween with Mason.

Scott and Kris visit the Artful Bachelorette, which is basically a posh life drawing class. They’re there to draw a nude male model. Scott is suitably squeamish about the thought of seeing another man’s junk. Well, I’ll take your place kiddo because Dre, the model, is HOT. Honestly, he’s the best thing about this episode. Thank God it’s over.

***SPOILERS AHEAD***

What can I say about Game of Thrones Season 8, Episode 3, The Long Night? Let’s start with the fact that I watched it live, here in Berlin at 4am, and at several points I was screaming so loudly I thought my neighbours would think I was being murdered. Let’s also start with the fact that this episode is (in my humble opinion) the most exciting ever. This is what it’s all been building up to folks. The showdown with the Night King. There’ve been complaints from negative Nancys that it was too dark, and you couldn’t see what was going on, but honestly, for me that just added to the whole tension of the episode. I mean come on. It’s the middle of the night, in a blizzard, and they’re fighting by firelight. It was never going to be lit like a football stadium was it?

I’m not going to give you a full recap of the episode. Personally, I don’t feel GoT lends itself to being recapped (apart from the genius Jonathan Van Ness’s Gay of Thrones). The detail is so immense, and so much happens in each episode, to really do it justice, we’d be looking at cutting down the remainder of the Amazon for the paper we’d need. Instead, I want to focus on the badass women who fought so valiantly and saved the seven kingdoms from the scourge of the Night King and the White Walkers (sorry, full nerd. I can’t help myself)!

Arya Stark

Stand the fuck back because she will cut you. She’s the baddest of the bad. Queen bad, and we are all disciples of the badhive. Simply put, she’s the best character in the show. We’ve seen her grow from a scrappy little fighter, into a fully-fledged silent assassin. There is nothing this young woman can’t do. She fights zombies, wears dead people’s faces as masks, and she still finds time to get it in with Gendry. Bow down.

The Night King was about to strike Bran down, I’d lost all hope, and then BANG! Arya appeared out of nowhere and skewered him. The brilliance of the show is that I’d forgotten she was still there. My mind was so occupied worrying about everything else going on, I’d forgotten that Arya, aka ninja cat, was lurking in the darkness. Pure class. If I was Cersei, I would be wearing a butt plug right now. the way my bowels would be moving in fear. Sweet Jesus!

Lyanna Mormont

In lots of the GoT reviews I’ve read of this episode, Lyanna is referred to as “little” Lyanna Mormont. I dare you to call her that to her face and come away with your kneecaps intact bitch. Fine, she’s physically small, a child, but she has the heart of ten lions. I was genuinely upset that she didn’t make it because I’ve so enjoyed watching her cuss out grown men and give zero fucks. But if she had to die, then at least she did it in style. Even as her bones were being crushed to smithereens by that janky ice giant, she found the strength to stab it in the eye with her dragonglass dagger and bring it down. Rest in power Lyanna. You kicked ass and took multiple names.

Melisandre, The Red Woman

This is a tough one. On one hand, she is responsible for burning Princess Shireen alive (an oversight I’m sure), and she did rape Gendry, but on the other hand, she really came through for everyone in the end; so, I guess we’ll just forgive the child immolation and sex leeches. Truth be told, the battle would have been lost without her: From setting the Dothraki swords ablaze (so damn cool), to holding off the dead by setting the protective trench around Winterfell ablaze, the Lord of Light really showed up (through his servant Melisandre) this week. And everybody finally got to see her whole Picture of Dorian Gray situation as, at the hour of her death, she took off the amulet that maintained her youth and turned into ash on the breeze on the snowy plains outside Winterfell. Strong exit.

This week on women of the 1% argue with each other and get Botox, we’re going camping! Kyle is at home packing. Scratch that. She’s overpacking, as are all the women, except Teddi. She calls her to ask if glam squads are coming with. The fact she even has to ask this question tells you all you need to know about Kyle’s camping prowess.

Dorit is at home with her now unemployed (at least for this trip) glam squad, while Rinna is at her place with a bemused Harry Hamlin. He’s stunned at his wife’s choice of camping gear: Wire cutters (why?!?), a hairdryer, and an assortment of lotions and potions. She does have one essential item though, a giant bottle of BOOZE. That’s my girl! Rinna’s bag is so big it would give Santa an inferiority complex, and all this for just one night. Her carbon footprint must be off the charts.

Teddi is at home hauling a giant charcuterie platter out to the RV in preparation for the Housewives’ arrival. Now, on the camping trips I’ve been on, we’ve had platters, oh how we’ve had platters. It’s just normally they’re not laden with charcuterie, nudge nudge, wink wink. Maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong all these years.

The ladies arrive at Teddi’s house. Kyle reels off a list of all the creatures she’s scared of potentially encountering on the trip. Her list includes sharks, and she’s not being cute when she says it either. Oh Kyle. Dear sweet Kyle. She shows the ladies a text from PK apologizing for his behaviour at the Boy George concert. It’s along the lines of: “I’m sorry for being insensitive, but I want to draw a line under this now.” Very PK. Kyle says she’s over it, I don’t believe her. This is Bravo, and we’ve still got several episodes left before the end of the season. That beef gotta come from somewhere kids. Erika arrives and is super excited for the trip. She’s a real outdoorsy Tomboy type. Dorit turns up and it’s distinctly frosty between her and Kyle. Whatever. The ladies board the RV and nibble on the charcuterie platter, then it’s time to set off. Denise has a cutaway where she wonders if Camille will be able to keep her mouth shut on this trip. We’ll see Denise…

The Housewives stop for groceries, otherwise known as rich white women panic buy entirely the wrong stuff (Turkey chili anyone?). They’re going for one night and they spend $700 on groceries (crying laughing emoji).

The women arrive at the campsite (Ventura Ranch, 60 miles from LA) OK. The way this trip has been sold so far, and the fear it has inspired in some of the group, had me thinking this was going to be some kind of The Hills Have Eyes/Deliverance setup. It. Is Not. It’s full on glamping. The tents are huge, with AC units, a microwave, electric light, and Bambi running around outside. They’re hardly roughing it. Rinna’s bag is the size of my apartment, and Erika has to help her carry it. She wonders if there’s a dead body inside, maybe Vanderpump. Shady palm trees Erika, love it.

The Housewives set up a beer pong table. Erika thinks it’s awkward that women their age are playing beer pong and goes for a massage instead. Wise move. They’re are all crap at the game except Dorit who absolutely kills it, who knew? They get onto discussing the Vanderpump situation, and Teddi says it’s clear Lisa is punishing Dorit. Erika arrives from her massage on a golf buggy and joins the convo. She is very forthright with her views (that’s why we love her). She basically says that she cares about the ladies she’s with right now, and anybody else can go fuck themselves. I’m looking at you Vanderpump. She’s clearly not into the pink one’s game playing. Finally! Someone in the group stands up and calls Lisa out for what she is, an egomaniac game player. Go on Erika!

The women go on a hike. Kyle is scared of everything and bangs two sticks together to scare off any bears in the vicinity. The only thing she manages to do is confuse a nearby deer. The Housewives are going to a climbing wall (God I hate activities and organised fun. Shoot me). They have to race each other to the top. Dorit is the winner in her group. As Camille is getting into her climbing harness, she jokes it reminds her of her sex life with Kelsey. Apparently, he was pretty kinky and liked her to wear a strap on and get into some bum fun. That’s an image I’ll never get out of my head, and now neither will all of you. Don’t thank me all at once.

That evening the group are preparing dinner. Camille is attempting to cook but is serving pure Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares realness. Teddi comes over to save the day, and you can tell Camille’s nose is out of joint at being demoted to sous-chef. At dinner the group discuss her upcoming wedding and the fact that Vanderpump is blatantly not going to attend. Camille pretends she’s not majorly upset that Lisa isn’t going to show up, but Teddi tells her if that’s really the case, she should stop texting Lisa and being a massive begfriend. Truth. Camille is pissed and thinks Teddi is a know it all.

Later that evening, Denise is getting a massage and making sex noises while the others get a fire going. After the massage the group discuss happy endings (not in fairy tales folks) at a massage parlor, and Denise admits she sought one out for her man snack husband Aaron (he’d never had one before). The women pretend not to be totally shocked, but it’s a real case of “ok ladies let’s do judge-ification.” Prude squad form up! Maybe I’m too European and into sex outdoors and free love, but I sense the Puritanism runs deep in these ones Obi-Wan. Denise also had a happy ending one time, and this sends the women into full on Linda Blair in The Exorcist head spinning mode. Next up, it’s Camille’s turn to dish that she used slip her ex-partner (Not Kelsey this time, although I’m sensing a pattern) a cheeky digit in the bum when he was about to cum (I can highly recommend this too). The women’s heads all but explode. Sensing the thinly veiled judgement, Denise steers the convo away from her genitals. Rinna gladly takes the tiller and starts to talk about the PK situation. Kyle says she’s fine but Teddi stirs the pot by saying although his behaviour wasn’t malicious, it was definitely deliberate. Dorit comes back from the bathroom to find everyone is talking about her and her husband. Teddi is being quite forceful in her opinions, and this annoys Camille who calls her a “bright girl” but tells her she inserts herself (that’s what he said) into other people’s business. Teddi hates being patronized, but Camille persists and calls her a know it all. Teddi says that Camille likes to run her mouth but when she’s confronted, she always backs down. Camille tries to clap back, but there’s a distinct feeling of “unpopular girl tries to show off in front of friends to gain status.” I’m not buying it. Sensing defeat, Camille shifts the attention onto Vanderpump and blames her for all the toxicity in the group recently. They all agree to stop fighting and just enjoy the rest of their time together.

The next morning, the women are packing to leave. Teddi goes for a run and then joins the others at breakfast. Erika is in a kick ass grey onesie and pink shades, here for it. The overall feeling is that they’ve had a good time. The women eat a healthy breakfast of pumpkin pie, and Cheez Whiz on crackers and set off for home. On the ride home Erika invites everyone to her upcoming LA show. The women discuss the pressure to stay thin in Hollywood and the effect of social media on their kids. Rinna is happy to have taught her girls self-love. Amen to that. The group drive off into the sunset singing Kumbaya; and they all lived happily ever after, at least until next week.

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Billy Porter set the world on fire at the Met Gala and made a million homophobes spontaneously combust with his camp eleganza. Here. For. It

Billy Porter is the genderbending hero we all need right now. Boyfriend serves red hot lewk after red hot lewk on the red carpet and laughs in the face of gender norms while doing it. At the Oscars this year he made us all lose our collective wigs when he rocked up in a black velvet Christian Siriano number. Blazer on top, and full ballgown on the bottom, it stuck one glorious bejewelled middle finger up at traditional gender norms and was a perfect representation of Porter’s character: Cheeky, powerful, elegant, and embodying both masculine and feminine (yes that’s the sound of Mike Pence’s head exploding).

Yesterday however, Mr Porter kicked things up a gear and my obsession with him went from standing under his bedroom window in the rain, crying and shakily holding an umbrella, mascara running down my face, to full rifling through his garbage, kidnapper, strait jacket vibes.

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The theme of this year’s Met Gala was Camp: Notes on Fashion, and Porter definitely got the memo. He slayed the entire mothertrucking world in a golden winged jumpsuit by The Blonds, inspired by ancient Egypt. And because his shit literally doesn’t stink, before he sashayed down the pink carpet, Billy made his entrance held aloft by six hunky footmen on a black velvet chaise longue. I literally can’t right now, he was positively dripping in black excellence. The reaction on Twitter and Instagram has been volcanic with Billy’s Instagram post from the Gala racking up 136 thousand likes and counting.

Billy’s level of extra on the red carpet is always set to ten, (which is never a bad thing. Men in suits just doesn’t cut it for me. I want drama!). But behind his looks, there is always a desire to challenge traditional restrictive gender norms. He told Entertainment Weekly: “I thought, this is the space to create the conversation of what is masculine? What is feminine? What is everything in between? Why is it a woman can wear pants, and nobody bats an eye and a man wears a dress and people are disgusted? Why is that? What is that saying in our culture: Man is better, and female is disgusting? I just wanted to shatter that.”

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As a proud member of the African-American community, Porter knows better than most how LGBTQ+ issues are still taboo in large swathes of black society. The fact that he is out there being visible as a proudly flamboyant black gay man is so inspirational. There will be many little black gay boys who sleep a little easier tonight knowing they have an icon like Billy Porter to look up to. Long may he reign!

Kourtney’s Choice

We start this week with Kim, Khloe, Kourtney and Malika playing some kind of weird tennis with a hard racquet. Is it called Paddle maybe? Whatever. They scream a lot and look cute in their outfits. Roll titles…

Kris, Kourtney, Kim and Khloe are having a Chinese tea ceremony. Not being funny, but as a Brit I can tell you that tea is supposed to have some colour to it. This “tea” just looked like boiling water to me. I smell a Hollywood con. Kourtney is soooo into it, but Kris doesn’t seem too impressed and gets the giggles. She is all of us watching at that moment.

The women discuss the upcoming family vacation to Bali and Kris says she wants Scott to come. Kourtney is none too pleased at that suggestion however, because the last family trip he went on to Costa Rica, he ended up flying a girl out and since then he’s been banned. Kourtney wants a drama free trip.

Kris is worried about MJ because she’s been feeling terrible. She’s had tests done, which were inconclusive, so she’s going to have more scans. She has pneumonia and the doctors have found an underlying mass, but they don’t’ know what it is as yet.

Kris and Scott go shopping at Nordstrom and talk about the family trip to Bali. Kris wants him there and Scott feels he and Kourtney are both mature enough to be around each other and co-parent, so why can’t he go on a family vacation as well? Scott says he’ll talk to Kim and come up with a plan to get him invited to Bali.

Kim is in Chicago with Kanye talking about the potential move. She tells him they should have had a convo about it before he announced it to the world. It’s obvious Kim has zero desire to move to Chicago, so she’s just hoping it’s Kanye being Kanye and that, like the spoiled toddler he is, he’ll forget about it soon and move on to something else.

At Kim’s house in LA, Kim, Scott, Khloe, Kourtney, Kris, and the kids are eating dinner (catered of course). Kourtney is talking about some weird Hollywood treatment that is like reiki, but they actually burp you. I’ll say it again. They burp you. Don’t ask. The topic of Kim moving to Chicago comes up and Mason is horrified at the prospect. Scott doesn’t see how Kanye can be serious about it. Khloe (who has been in the same position before, moving to both Dallas and Cleveland for love) says that whatever Kim decides, the family will support her. But she’s honest and tells her a move like that is a lot to deal with.

Kim goes to visit Scott at his office. They look at Ferraris and Scott says that Kylie just bought Kris one. For her last birthday I gave my mum a hug (I didn’t really, I’m a good son, but you get the picture. I feel like I’m failing at life). Kim hatches a plan to get Scott invited to Bali. She’s going to New York the coming weekend because Kanye is performing on SNL. She suggests Scott get Kourtney and the kids to come too, then when the trip is a success, Kourtney will feel ok having him in Bali. They call Kourtney and she agrees to go to New York. Mwoo ha ha. An evil plan is hatched…

Scott, Kourtney, Kim, and the kids are flying private to NYC. Think about it, those children have only ever flown on private jets. I once had to sell a kidney to the night bus driver to get home, but that’s ok too, I guess.

In LA Khloe and Malika are doing a shoot for Becca Cosmetics. Kris comes to visit, and the girls make her up for fun. Khloe has a great line: “Why have a mom, if you can’t whore her out?! Love! MJ calls and Kris tells her that her test results will be back on Tuesday. She’s still hoping to go to Bali but won’t if MJ is too ill to be left alone.

In New York, Kim takes the kids to visit Kanye in the studio. He’s working non-stop and Kim is trying to be as supportive as she can. Kanye’s doing a collab with Nicki Minaj, and she FaceTimes him while Kim is there, and they chat. Kim feels overwhelmed at the thought of moving to Chicago. North starts to get restless so Kim takes her home. On the car journey North asks why people are always following them and taking their picture. Kim’s reply is really cute: “Because daddy is Kanye West, and mommy is Kim Kardashian.”

Kim joins Scott and the kids for dinner. They discuss how much Scott has changed and how he’s become a real family man over the last year.

Kourtney and Kim are shopping and talking about Scott. Kourtney says she feel sometimes he can overstep boundaries but she’s really happy he’s now so focused on the kids. She still feels nervous about their relationship dynamic though. Kim asks how Kourtney would feel inviting Scott to Bali. She replies that she was using this weekend in NY as a test, and Scott has passed!

Kourtney and Scott take the kids to Dylan’s Candy Bar. That place is my heaven! Scott’s unsure as to what Kourtney is feeling about the whole Bali thing. Later that day they go to visit the USS Intrepid, and Kourtney reiterates how happy she is that Scott has turned a corner.

In her hotel room in NYC, Kourtney and Scott discuss the possibility of him going to Bali. Kourtney says all she ever wanted from Scott was consistency with the kids, and he says that he thinks he’s shown that over the past year. They agree that he can go on the trip.

At Khloe’s house Kim, Scott, Kourtney and and Kris discuss NYC and how it went. Kim says that apparently Kanye started ranting at the end of SNL, but it was ok because the credits were already rolling so nobody could hear him. Bullet dodged! Kim can’t control Kanye and says she doesn’t want to either. She fell in love with him for his free spirit. Kris pipes up and says that Kim should be doing more to please Kanye, but she claps back that she has kids and a stressful job. Scott stands up for Kim and tells Kris and her sisters to be more supportive of her. Kim says she’s reaching her breaking point with the whole Chicago sitch.

At Kourtney’s house, Kris is telling her that she’s decided not to go to Bali because she doesn’t want to leave MJ. She has a terrible infection, but thankfully it’s not cancer. Kris says she’d never forgive herself if she went to Bali and something happened to MJ while she was away.

At Kim’s house she’s having a conversation with Kanye about moving to Chicago. She suggests maybe buying a second place there instead of uprooting the whole family. Kanye agrees. Basically, the only reason he wanted to go is because he gets so much love from his fans there. Egotistical much?!

KUWTK-16-1

Chicago Loyalty

Disclaimer

Before we get into this recap, I feel I need to be honest with you: I have a love/hate relationship with the Kardashians. When they first came out, I loved how honest they were. They were completely unfiltered and hilarious to watch. Over the years though they’ve kind of morphed into caricatures of themselves, and the level of boujie extra-ness has just become a lot to take. Let’s face it, they are pretty ridiculous. Kim can no longer turn her head because she’s scared of messing up her hair so ends up looking like someone with neck trauma every time she tries to turn; Kourtney’s a nervous wreck, and Kris? Well, Kris is drunk.

If you’re a blind disciple of the Calabasas Church of Latter Day Kardashians, I’d suggest finding another recapper. If like me though you can’t help but laugh sometimes and roll your eyes at how ridiculous the show is, then you’ve come to the right place. The snark is real people. But don’t worry, so is the love!

We open on a preview of what’s to come this season. There’ll be laughter, tears, PVC dresses, photoshoots, vacations, lip gloss, Kim’s stiff hair, and drama up the wazoo.

My sphincter wasn’t expecting to get such a workout so early on in the new season, but sure enough the opening sequence made it close up tighter than Trump holding onto his tax returns. Kim and Kanye are doing an interview to camera and he confesses it’s his first time doing it. Kim looks horrified like she’s waiting for him to go full Kanye. He says he’s doing the interview because it reminds him of the beginning of The Incredibles. Like the mom in the film, his wife has a big butt too and he hopes one day they’ll all be able to fly. OK Kanye.

Kourtney, Kim, Kanye, Scott, Khloe, Kris, Corey and the kids are at Kris’s eating outside (So. Many. K’s). Kris has bought a new house in Palm Springs, and Khloe reminisces over the happy times they spent in their previous vacation home there as children. Kim announces she’s having her fourth child, a boy. Everyone is super happy.

Kris, Kourtney, and Khloe go for lunch. Khloe talks about how happy she is to be a mom and how great Tristan is. Kourtney has just broken up with her boyfriend and she talks about how anxious she feels being single. She’s so anxious, she’s been doing reiki to calm herself. Basically, Kourtney needs a man to be happy. Case closed. My overpriced LA therapist bill is in the mail.

Kim, Kanye and North are in Chicago. Kanye has a plan to renovate an old theatre there called The Regal. Kim looks on vacantly as he talks about the project. She’s probably concentrating on keeping her hair still. Kanye talks about Donda’s House, the foundation he set up in honour of his mother, and the beef with his old friend Rhymefest. Basically, what happened was that Rhymefest tweeted that Kanye had been shirking his responsibilities at the foundation. This pissed Kim off and she clapped back, dissing his beats as “sub par.” Kanye just wants to forgive and forget the whole thing, but Kim is fuming.

At her Good American shoot Khloe talks to Kourtney on the phone., They’re planning a trip to their mom’s new vacation home in Palm Springs. Kourtney needs a break and it’s going to be a fun, relaxed girls’ weekend. No TP-ing the neighbour’s houses!

Kris goes to see MJ at home. She’s happy to have her mom living close to her in Calabasas. She’s so happy to have her there in fact, that she is on her phone for the entire 5 minutes she has allocated to her mother. Nice. She literally walks in and walks straight back out again. True devotion.

Khloe, Kourtney, and a bunch of friends arrive at Kris’ Palm Springs house. I nearly cried the house is so beautiful. Seriously, it’s the stuff of dreams. Kourtney wastes no time getting into her bikini and showing off her banging break up body.

Back in Chicago, Kanye and Kim take North to buy candy. Kim says she won’t be bullied by Rhymefest and Kanye gets upset about her choice of language. He says he’s all about forgiveness, but Kim is worried he gets taken advantage of and wants to protect him. She’s got on some hideous silver, child-catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, tin foil looking, winkle picker boots. Bad Kim.

MJ and Scott go for tea. He says the two have always had a special bond, and love spending time together. MJ says she hasn’t adapted well to life in Calabasas. When she was sick with pneumonia, Kris basically swooped in and moved her there (without MJ having too much of a say in it it seems). Now she’s there, all the family are so busy nobody really makes time for her. We learn that Scott is unable to make scrambled eggs (face palm emoji) and MJ says she’s going to teach him how.

In Chicago, the Kardashian-Wests go to visit the old theatre Kanye is going to renovate. He tells us he once opened for Jay-Z there. It’s a beautiful old building.

In Palm Springs, Kourtney has cornered one of the group in the pool and is droning on about her break-up. Khloe gets annoyed by this and wants Kourt to live in the now and be present on this trip.

Kim’s FaceTime-ing Kris from Chicago and she shares her frustrations about the Rhymefest situation. She’s pissed that so many of Kanye’s friends seem to shit on him from a great height, and then he lets them back in again. She says that with everything else going on in her life, she doesn’t have time to babysit him. She says all of this while lying in a giant, fluffy bed. Sure Kim, your life looks super stressful.

At Scott’s hose, MJ teaches the Lord how to make scrambled eggs. Kris FaceTimes, and immediately pauses the call. MJ tells her she’s always on her phone. The three arrange to go to tea and Scott and MJ bet Kris won’t be able to stay off her phone during their date.

In Palm Springs the girls do karaoke. Khloe kidnaps Kourtney (who’s being a sad sack in the corner) and the group all kiki, drink tequila, and Khloe shows off her not unimpressive twerking skills. This is when I like the Kardashians. When they’re goofing off, just being silly.

In Chicago, Kim, Kanye, and North go to visit the house he grew up in. On the ride over there, Kim tries to reiterate that she’s just trying to protect Kanye. She loves that he’s a freethinker and just wants the best for him. She agrees that the next time Rhymefest is in LA they should talk face to face.

Kourtney jumps in the pool in Palm Springs to escape a giant bee. She then launches into a whole monologue to Larsa Pippen about how fine she is being single and how God has a plan for her, bla bla bla. I don’t believe it for a minute. I know a ton of girls just like Kourtney. Inside she’s screaming for a man.

Scott, Kris, and MJ go to tea all dressed up. They ban phones from the table, Kris agrees, but the lips are pursed. Anxiety. MJ lets Kris know she feels neglected and uprooted from her home, and Kris feels bad.

Kylie is at Kim’s house testing fragrances. Kim says North has been telling everyone at school about her pregnancy and she’s having to deny it. Kylie reacts as if this is totally unbelievable, hysterical news. She’s genuinely blown away.

Kris and Khloe are making cheesecake at Khloe’s house (this episode is soooo interesting right?). MJ comes over and Kris promises to make more of an effort with her. Kris just wants her mom to feel loved. Well put down your bloody phone and spend some quality time with her then woman! You can make more money tomorrow. Jeez!

Two months later…Rhymefest comes to LA to visit Kanye and Kim to clear the air. Kim says she’s a lot calmer now than when she was in Chicago. Rhymefest arrives and they discuss what happened. Kim just can’t get her head around the fact that Kanye’s childhood friends would play him like that. She says all her friends have remained loyal. Rhymefest says that Kanye wasn’t pulling his weight at the foundation and it felt like he was turning his back on them. He acknowledges he should have handled the situation differently. He gives Kim a crystal as a peace offering. She pretends to love it (you know it’s going in the trash as soon as the cameras stop rolling), and they all lived happily ever after, until next week.

Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

This week on wealthy white ladies kiki and argue, Teddi and Kyle are taking their daughters Slate and Portia to a kiddy make-up shoot. The Hollywood is at ten from the first frame of this week’s episode. Basically, Portia is really into make-up and did Teddi’s on her Insta. Samantha from Petite and Pretty, a kid’s make-up line, saw this, frothed at the mouth at what this could do for her brand, and invited the kids to a shoot. Teddi says when she was a kid, she had no idea about make-up and dyed her hair aubergine while screaming at her mom that she was stifling her style when she was, rightly, horrified about her daughter's ugly hair color. Sounds about right for a teenager. Kyle gets a text from Camille about her bridesmaid’s dress. It’s a capped sleeve. Kyle is NOT happy. I wish these were my problems.

Rinna is at home talking to Harry Hamlin on the phone. She’s happy he’s back from camping as he takes over all the household jobs when he’s there. She FaceTimes with Erika, who’s wearing killer Gucci shades. Erika is mega excited about how well her tour is going. The ladies talk about the dinner Erika missed for Lois that Vanderpump didn’t show up to. Rinna thinks it needs to be her who reaches out with an olive branch to fix the current beef.

At Diamond’s Gym, Denise and her snack of a hubby Aaron are working out. It was hard for me to remember what happened in this scene because Aaron’s biceps kept talking to me. The things I do for journalism. Denise informs us that she and Aaron have sex every morning, not jealous at all. Denise wants to mediate with the whole Vanderpump situation and is going to have lunch with her later that week. She has a strong urge to try and fix things after her experience with her ex, Charlie Sheen. She talks about how worried she is that she’s fucked her kids up because of the whole mess with him and starts to cry. She says that when it got really bad with Charlie, she hid it from the kids and isn’t sure if that was the right move.

Dorit is in the car with her kids who are singing loudly and out of tune. No. Just no. She’s going to have lunch at Kyle’s house. Sitting in Kyle’s beautiful garden, the ladies discuss the upcoming Boy George concert. Dorit hasn’t invited Vanderpump because she doesn’t want to crowd her right now if she wants to keep her distance.

Lisa is at home talking about how cathartic her new kitchen is. The way I am over this woman right now. We get it, your new kitchen is going to mend your friendships. She goes to lunch with Denise at Villa Blanca and gives her some $400 pink porcelain vases as a wedding gift. I’d be looking for the receipt to exchange them because they’re hideous, but Denise seems to love them. Hey ho. Horses for courses, I guess. Denise tells Lisa she seems better than the last time they met, and she tries to remind her that the ladies still love and care for her.

Back in Kyle’s garden, she and Dorit discuss the fact that Lisa and Denise are meeting. Kyle says that Denise’s experience with her ex Charlie may have given her insight because he and Vanderpump are both Virgos, which means they’re very “me me me”. Shady palm trees Kyle.

At Villa Blanca, Denise relates her experience with the press during her divorce to Lisa’s current situation. She says that instead of hiding away, Lisa should face the women. Lisa says she handles things differently.

Kyle thinks Lisa is running scared. She believes that friends should call each other out when they fuck up. That’s how a friendship grows.

Lisa doesn’t think friends should come for each other, as she perceives Kyle did for her.

Kyle says whenever Lisa is confronted with her BS she turns and runs away (we see several flashbacks of her doing just that in previous seasons). She makes it hard to talk to her. Dorit doesn’t understand why she has been cut out by Lisa when she hasn’t done anything wrong.

Lisa says the current situation is a “shame.” Denise can’t understand why she doesn’t want to defend herself. I think she’s beginning to smell a rat underneath all of Lisa’s seeming niceness and ugly pink gifts

The scene ends as Jagger pees into Kyle’s bushes. Kind of sums up what I think about this whole stupid fight they’re all having at the moment. Well done Jagger

Teddi’s at home with the kids getting ready to host the housewives before they go to the Boy George concert at the Greek Theater. Rinna and Erika come over and are joined by Kyle and Camille. Camille is pissed at Rinna for the way she went in on her about the Judge Kavanagh situation at Lois’s dinner. Apparently, she doesn’t hold grudges though. And I have a ten-inch penis, shares in Apple, and a house on Nantucket.

Dorit arrives at the theater to meet PK backstage before the concert. He tells her he has contacted Ken. He’s arranged to have lunch with him. We see a cutaway of their conversation where PK sucks up to Ken and tells him to distinguish between Dorit and the other women.

In the van on the way to the concert the women talk about Erika’s tour. She’s just flown in for the night and is heading to Dallas, and then San Francisco for more concerts. Then she‘s hosting at the AMAs as well. Boss. The ladies get annoyed at Camille for playing both sides of the fence in the Vanderpump beef. She knew Lisa was invited to her bridal shower but claimed not to when she spoke to Lisa about it. Fix up Camille.

Backstage at the concert the Housewives meet Boy George, Kyle loves him. Rinna throws shady jabs about the fact that Lisa isn’t there supporting her so called good friend PK. We see a cutaway of Lisa making sex noises and talking about how she worships something. We then see she’s talking to her dog flopsy or mopsy or whatever it’s called. She then literally French kisses the creature and I am officially done with her. Keep the deposit, no forwarding address. Done. Dorit tells the ladies that PK has spoken to Ken and Kyle thinks it’s a good idea.

Denise is at home with her kids and Aaron eating dinner. They are ALL drinking water from individual plastic bottles. I’m putting on my European environmental hat here for a minute. In every damn show I watch on US TV, people are always drinking water from single use plastic bottles. Do you guys not have glasses in America or something? These things are destroying our planet. Get off your fat asses, walk to the cupboard, and pull out a fucking glass. Nemo will thank you. Ok sorry. Rant over. Returning to dinner at Denise’s, she talks about how she had no pre-nup with Charlie because she was never about his money (“greedy fucking whore” is the term she uses). But now she’s worried because he’s filed to pay less child support.

At the concert, Camille is dancing like a stripper, here for it. Rinna is also dancing, in a somewhat stiffer fashion shall we say? All the ladies love “margarita” Kyle, which is when she gets drunk and tries to act like a black woman. I’m not such a fan. But there’s a fun atmosphere in the air and it’s nice to see the women actually getting on for once. Gladys Knight performs an amazing duet with Boy George and everyone’s having shits and giggles

Backstage after the concert, everyone is celebrating with Boy George. PK throws a majorly shady jab at Kyle about the fact she’s not able to stop her friends (Vanderpump) being pissed off at her. Tumbleweeds. He tries to cover it up by blaming it on, “British humor” but it doesn’t wash. Kyle is majorly pissed and doesn’t understand why PK is annoyed with her, given that she has been sticking up for Dorit this whole time. PK is an arrogant misogynist in my opinion. I don’t like the way he talks to women and I’ve met a hundred dudes like him of the same ilk from London. They’re all the same. He refuses to apologize to Kyle and just dismisses her out of hand. The ladies leave.

Outside by their van, they discuss what’s just happened. Kyle thinks PK kisses Ken’s ass. I agree. Dorit comes out and tries to diminish her husband’s major faux pas. There’s a great cutaway with Rinna where she tells us she doesn’t believe PK’s bullshit “British humor” excuse. Just like her he’s a shit stirrer. Rinna knows all. Loving me some Rinna this season. When she’s not at the center of the beef and just hovers around the edge offering choice shady comments, she’s hysterical. Teddy tries to interject in Dorit and Kyle’s conversation, and Dorit shuts her down brutally. Teddi is not happy about this and their old difficulties start to come to the fore again. The argument kind of switches to them as they thrash out an eventual agreement. Basically, they handle conflict in totally different ways. Eventually Kyle accepts Dorit’s apology on behalf of her husband, but she bookends it with a “fuck you” to him.

photographer: rawpixel.com

April 14. Lock the door, put your phone on airplane mode, give the kids a sleeping tablet. It’s here. The big one, the finale. Season 8, the final season of Game of Thrones premieres on this date and we are about to lose our shit at the anticipation. Who will win the game? Will Cersei get her comeuppance? Will Tormund and Brienne ever get together?!

GoT has been a part of our lives for close to a decade, and it’s been a decade filled with blood, guts, tears, battles, magic, dragons, and boobs. Lots of boobs. We’re wild for Westeros, and here’s why.

The violence

OK. This isn’t very elegant or cute I get it. But let’s face it, a large part of the show’s appeal is the bloody, gory violence. Whether it’s people being executed, slaughtered in battle, poisoned, or incinerated by dragons, GoT is violent as hell, and it’s great!

The powerful women

There are a whole bunch of HBICs in this show, and they take zero shit. Whether it’s Arya and her Faceless Men juju, or Brienne with her massive fucking sword, the women of the GoT universe are hard as nails. And then there’s Cersei. Incestuous Cersei. Cersei who blew up literally EVERYBODY in King’s Landing at the end of season 7 and walked away smiling. Cersei who had her own husband murdered. If Satan and Stalin had a kid, it still wouldn’t be as evil as Cersei. And yes ok, she uses her power only to advance her own family’s interests, and to maim and kill, (and Gods help you if you get in the way), but it sure is fun to watch her doing it!

The magic

OK, confession time. I was never into witches and wizards at High School (I came out as gay at 14 in 1992 at an all boy’s private school, I didn’t need another target on my back), but I completely understand why fans of fantasy get Viagra hard for GoT. In Westeros it’s as if magic is just part of everyday life. Yes, it’s magic and people are aware of that, but it seems everyday, mundane almost. It doesn’t seem crazy or unbelievable that Arya is able to change her face at will, or that Daenerys has three fuck off huge dragons. This kind of magic realism, if you like, adds to the show’s believability and we are soooo here for it.

Buckle up guys, winter isn’t coming, it’s here…

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So the new series of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills will soon be upon us, which means, once again, we’re about to be treated to a banquet of dysfunction, diamonds, decadence, and drama. Over the years there’ve been many cast members who’ve come and gone, some more memorable than others (remember “you can never be too rich, or too thin” Joyce from a few seasons back? Me neither). But one recent addition has really made an impact, and it’s her we’re discussing today. That’s right, I’m talking about Mrs. Erika Girardi, aka Erika Jayne, aka The Pretty Mess. Here’s why we love her:

The outfits

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When Erika said she gives “zero fucks", she meant it. I mean, just look at her outfits. Everyone is going to have an opinion; and like assholes, not everyone’s is going to be polished. Don’t get us wrong, she looks all kinds of correct. But those outfits do demand a conversation though. Erika however, doesn't care for your opinion. At least that's what she says. We actually think that she gives maybe two fucks. Remember panty gate? Of course you do. For someone who wears a sexy ass outfit with no thong, because, you know, panty lines, she was very sensitive about people talking about her well patted puss. And yes, we love that about her.

The career

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Yes, she married a rich man and blah blah blah, but so did many of the other wives and they're not half as successful as Erika. She has nine number ones on the Billboard Dance Club Songs Chart. She travels the world performing to packed-out venues full of adoring fans. So, haters can go take a stadium full of seats. Ok?!? Erika manages to do this while in her 40s, and in the entertainment biz, if you haven't hit the big time by 25, you're shown the door and handed a license to sell real estate.

The attitude

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Cards on the table, Erika gets away with her (at times) frosty demeanor because she’s a rich white lady. How many women of color have had to bite their lip and smile through some foolishness for fear of being labelled the “angry black woman”? And truth be told, Miss Girardi does love to appropriate herself some black culture. However, this is the world we live in, and she looks fierce while doing it, so I guess we’re giving her a pass (don’t judge us, we’re shallow).

But we digress. Erika gives zero fucks. She tries to stay out of the drama, but if she does end up getting involved, the other party is probs gonna need a hug afterward. That woman has one cold stare. Oof!

Those are some of the reasons we love Erika Jayne, but we must say our personal favorite has to be when she’s performing and “pats her puss”. This is the single best dance move in the world, and we here at BroadsOnPoint believe every person, male, female, or otherwise should spend at least ten minutes a day on puss patting. The world would be a better place.

Cher

After finishing high school (just), Cher decided not to bother with college (who needs it when you’re gonna be a hot Beverly Hills party planner right?). But she decided to give something back before she set up her world conquering company. She and Josh went to do habitat for humanity, because you know, poor people. During their time building houses for brown babies, Cher had an epiphany. Life shouldn’t be about knee socks, ska music, and parties. Capitalism is the root of all evil, and what really matters in life is saving the planet. She got her hair dreaded, grew out her body hair, and started using all natural deodorant. Meat is murder for her now, and she exists on a totally plant based diet. Her new path in life has obviously led to friction with her super capitalist, Trump supporting dad. He has cursed her as a commie lesbian (even though she and Josh are still very much an item), and disinherited her. Whatever! Cher can now be found living in a redwood tree, composing music on her ukulele and plaiting her pubes. Oh, and she never learned to drive, so Ty was at least half right.

Dionne

Realizing Murray was a complete Hotep, Dionne followed her friend Cher to Africa where she too began a journey of self discovery. Dionne’s “come to God” moment came after a night of heavy drinking in an opium den in Lagos. Realizing she had been brainwashed her whole life to conform to European beauty standards she went all “nappily ever after", took out her weave (still real human hair of course. A girl has standards, no polyester hair on this Queen), and shaved her head. With her newfound confidence she returned to California with an armful of Kente cloth, and a wicked recipe for jollof rice. She’s now living in Oakland, fighting the rising tide of gentrification, and curating her Afrocentric Instagram.

Ty

Ty got into growing weed. Big time. Don’t be fooled by the Beverly Hills makeover, this bitch will cut you if you fuck with her bud. A big believer in her second amendment rights, Ty lives somewhere in Colorado with a massive stash of semi-automatic weapons because “If you stay ready, you ain’t got to get ready.” She flirted with lesbianism for a while with Amber, but in her own words “that bitch couldn’t even get up enough spit to lick a Rizla well enough to roll a blunt, let alone lick me out.” Ty has been accused of cultural appropriation by her old friends, as she insists on wearing an Avirex jacket at all times, has a grill, and always walks with a gangster lean. She does this in the mistaken belief that it’ll give her more cred with other growers. Ty baby, not all brown people blaze up. She won’t be told though. She has invested a lot of her earnings from Mary-Jane into hemp clothing, a lot of which she sends to her friend Cher up in the Redwood forests of Northern California. She also listens to “rolling with the homies” on repeat.

Amber

After her sapphic dalliance with Ty, Amber found God. She got the call while out shopping on Rodeo Drive. She sold her jeep and her Pomeranian and moved to deepest Mississippi to become a strict Baptist. During the 2016 presidential campaign (supporting Trump, natch. He’s ordained by God don’tcha know) she met a lovely farm boy by the name of Jebediah Clearwater. They fell in love (or rather Amber did. Jebediah was just looking for a beard. He’s bang into cock) and got married. All the old gang went to the wedding (Cher hitchhiked there, not wanting to add to her carbon footprint). Unfortunately for Amber, she invited Christian, and he and Jebediah were found in flagrante in the bathroom just after the speeches. Naturally Amber believes same-sex attraction is a choice, so she and Jeb are currently attending marriage counselling in an effort to pray the gay away. It’s not working. Jebediah is fucking the counsellor.

Christian

He probably followed the most conventional track of all the Clueless gang. He went to college to study business and got a personal trainer, abs, a dye job, and an attitude. After graduation he moved to New York to work in finance. He now lives a WhiteGayze life in Chelsea, never straying from 8th Ave, and telling POC on Grindr he’s not into them but it’s “just a preference.”